Nothing can heal anger except compassion.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Although anger is considered one of the primary feelings (which include happy, sad, mad, scared and bad/shame), other feelings are often found underneath anger. It’s important to understand this because this is why nothing productive gets worked out when we’re angry. It’s why taking a break and pausing during arguments can be so helpful. If you can figure out what’s underneath the anger, this is where the process work can take place. In the grief. In the loneliness. In the emotional pain that you’re currently feeling.
And, once you’ve named your feelings, felt your feelings and released your feelings, you can start moving into true healing for yourself and true repair with others.
Here’s what’s to come in this blog: What feelings may be showing up underneath anger, the road to anger is (unfortunately) not linear, and wrapping up with the repair. I hope this information is helpful to you and others!
Feelings underneath anger may include:
- Fear
- Loneliness
- Grief
- Betrayal
- Shame
- Overwhelm
- Stress
- Disappointment
- Guilt
- Pain
- Frustration
- Hurt
- Sadness
- Agitation
- Irritability
- Regret
What else would you add to this list?
**Remember, the road to healing is (unfortunately) not linear. There will be progress and setbacks along the way. If you hit a road block or setback, know that this is a normal part of the healing process. And, the healing process often feels like a rollercoaster ride, where some days are significantly better than others. This is also very normal, and it can be helpful to normalize it for yourself when you’re in the midst of struggle in your own life.
The repair after an argument:
- Acknowledge what happened and name it
- Describe what you’ll do differently next time
- Apologize and say you’re sorry
- Explain why your anger got triggered (if it’s helpful to you and the other person)
What else would you add to this list?
If you’re struggling right now, know that you’re not alone! Many of us are struggling with anger and all the feelings underneath anger. If you could use more help and support, please reach out to your doctor or a therapist in your area (if you don’t already have one). Know that I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love and compassion your way!
