We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern.
-Harriet Lerner
Anger is such an important topic to dive into here. You may be feeling angry for many different reasons in your life, from relationships issues to parenting problems to feeling unsupportive in the workplace to feelings of anger with societal changes, and so much more!
Read on for more information on feelings underneath anger, the road to healing, and wrapping up with the repair.
Although anger is one of the four primary feelings, it’s actually considered a secondary emotion. This means there are typically feelings underneath the anger, such as:
- Overwhelm
- Irritability
- Frustration
- Fear
- Grief
- Sadness
- Agitation
- Guilt
- Shame
- Regret
- Hurt
- Pain
- Disappointment
- Loneliness
(to name quite a few)
What else would you add to this list?
Anger isn’t an enjoyable space to be in for any of us. Try viewing your anger as a symptom of something deeper that’s going on. This can help you figure out what needs aren’t currently being met in your life, and what changes will help you take better care of yourself. The hope is that when you’re in a better space internally, you’ll be better able to manage your anger when it shows up in your life. Keep in mind that anger can also be a symptom of depression.
Remember, the road to healing (unfortunately!) isn’t linear. That means that you’ll experience many ups and downs while you work through your anger, and any other feelings and emotions that need to be processed and released from your life.
The repair is doing something actionable at a later time to reconnect with our partners/loved ones after doing something we regret such as yelling. This may look like:
- Acknowledging what happened
- Saying you’re sorry
- Explaining why your anger got triggered
- Describing what you’ll do differently in the future to avoid getting so angry again
Example: “I’m sorry I was so grumpy towards you last night. I was feeling tired and drained, and shouldn’t have taken it out on you. In the future, I’ll work on better communicating how I’m feeling.”
After the repair, give your partner/loved ones time and space to process what happened on their own, as well as time and space to talk about what happened with you (when they are ready).
If you’re struggling with anger in your own life, know that you’re not alone. Many people are feeling angry right now. If you need more help and support to work through this anger, please reach out to your doctor or therapist. Know that I’m thinking of you and sending lot of love and compassion your way!
