Our deepest wishes are whispers of our authentic self. We must learn to respect them. We must learn to listen.
– Sarah Ban Breathnach
I love this quote because so often we’re looking for our authentic selves. Often, they are buried underneath society and familial expectations. They can also be buried underneath things that we’re struggling with internally like guilt, shame, loneliness, grief, etc. So, per usual, first we need to figure out if these are internal or external struggles (or some semblance of both), and motherhood tends to amplify these struggles for many of us. Journaling can be a helpful place to explore some of these things in your own life. Therapy can also be a helpful place to do this deeper work.
Here’s what’s to come in this blog: Mom guilt versus mom shame, things that may trigger motherhood loneliness for some of us, and wrapping up with things that may trigger grief in our lives.
Mom guilt versus mom shame:
So, what’s the difference between mom guilt and mom shame?
- Mom Guilt can sound like, “I feel badly about something I said or did.” Guilt is more behavioral or action based.
- Mom Shame can sound like, “I am a bad person/bad mom.” Shame hits at a deeper level that can negatively impact your self-worth.
Although, we all feel guilt and shame at different times in our lives, times of transition like the perinatal period (which includes pregnancy and postpartum) as well as perimenopause can exacerbate these issues when we often aren’t feeling our best during these life transition.
Things that may trigger motherhood loneliness:
- Emotional disconnection from others
- Mental health struggles like depression and anxiety
- Life transitions like going back to work after maternity leave
- Relationship issues like frequent arguments with your partner
- Grief and loss and how some people disappear when others are struggling (because of their own issues)
What else would you add here?
Things that may trigger feelings of grief and loss:
- Important dates like anniversaries
- Favorite songs- this is a big one for most of us as particular songs often take us back in time
- Old pictures- ever start crying when you’re looking through old scrapbooks?
- Holidays often bring up the good and the not so good from the past
- Favorite vacation spots that you used to visit with your loved ones
- Birthdays- many of us have certain rituals to remember our loved ones on their birthdays (ours is donuts with dad in honor of my dad and his love of donuts)
- Kids growing up- such a big one for me right now!
- Life continuing forward- difficult when you’re struggling and those around you don’t seem to be
- People moving on- it can feel really lonely when you’re in the grief and those around you are seemingly fine
Anything else you’d add to this list?
If you’re struggling today, please know that you’re not alone. Many of us are struggling during motherhood right now. If you could use more help, please reach out to your doctor or therapist for more support. Know that I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love and compassion your way.