When you’re surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you’re by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don’t feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you’re really alone.
-Fiona Apple
When I’m feeling lonely, I usually ask myself if this is true loneliness that I’m feeling or something else. To me, true loneliness is when I’m feeling emotionally disconnected from others. So, to combat this, I’m usually needing to either heal emotional distance in my relationships or spend time with the people I’m missing who are far away (though phone calls, video calls and even text messages can be helpful here).
Sometimes when I check in with myself, I realize that I’m actually okay in this space of solitude and being alone. It’s a chance to enjoy my own company in this time of quiet. I remember this feeling coming up a lot with middle of the night feedings when my kids were babies.
Other times, I’m actually grieving, and since grief is such a solitary endeavor, I have to remind myself that these feelings are normal. I also remind myself that connecting with others who understand grief can be a powerful connector for me in these moments.
Here’s what’s to come in this blog: where loneliness in relationships may stem from, where loneliness in parenthood may stem from, and self-care of help combat loneliness in life.
Where loneliness in relationships may stem from:
- Not being present in the moment with one another
- Being on different life paths than when you started your relationship together
- Outside distractions like work, friends, extended family, hobbies, etc.
- Working different hours such as one person working days and one working nights
- Disrespected boundaries- when boundaries are set and then they are ignored and rolled over like they aren’t important
- Unfulfilled wants and needs in the relationship
- Having trouble relating to each other and the phase of life you’re both in
- Not prioritizing spending time together- especially in parenthood if you have kids
- Criticism and judgment from your partner- which isn’t ever helpful, especially when empathy and compassion is often what’s really needed here
What else would you add here?
Where loneliness in parenthood may stem from:
- Judgment and criticism from family and friends around how you’re parenting your kids
- Being on a different page from your partner when it comes to parenting, which can also change depending on the age of your kids
- Being in a different stage of life from others such as you being in early parenthood while your friends or family have older kids or don’t have kids
- Being at home with a baby or young kids while others are working outside of the home
- No extra time or energy to spend on emotional connection
- No free time for your own hobbies or activities
- A mental health concern like depression, anxiety, etc.
- Unmet wants and needs in your life
- Not having a co-parent to help you
- Grief and loss issues surfacing or resurfacing
What else would you add to this list?
Self-care to help combat loneliness in life:
- Go to therapy to process these feelings of loneliness
- Journal and process the loneliness through writing
- Allow yourself time and space to feel your feelings
- Connect with loved ones both near and far
- Join a local support group or hobby group
- Read- either fiction or nonfiction
- Practice self-compassion
- Meditate- either quiet or guided
- Snuggle with your pets
- Exercise- especially outdoors
What other types of self-care help you when you’re feeling lonely in life?
If you’re struggling with loneliness, know that you’re not alone. Many of us are also feeling lonely right now. If you could use more help and support, please reach out to your doctor or a therapist in your area (if you don’t already have one). Know that I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love and compassion your way!
