Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
-Rumi
In this quote from Rumi, there is so much wisdom packed into those two short sentences. I think about them often when I sit with new moms in my practice who are trying so hard to hold everything together in those early months after having a baby.
Postpartum has a way of showing you, sometimes gently and sometimes not so gently, how much of life is simply outside of your hands. Your body is healing in ways you did not fully anticipate. Your baby has needs on their own timeline, not yours. Sleep becomes a luxury instead of a given. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, you are trying to figure out who you are now, in this new season of motherhood.
One of the most helpful frameworks I share with the moms I work with is something called the locus of control. It is a simple concept, but an incredibly powerful one, especially in postpartum. The idea is this. Some things in life fall within your control, and other things fall outside of it. When you can start to sort out which is which, you free up so much of your mental and emotional energy. You stop pouring yourself into things you cannot change, and you start putting your effort where it can actually make a difference.
Let’s walk through what this looks like in the postpartum season, and how you can begin to navigate it with a little more ease.
What Is Within Your Control During Postpartum
It might feel, in the thick of those early weeks, like nothing is within your control. Your baby wakes you up at all hours. Your hormones are shifting. Your body looks and feels different than it did before. But even within all of that chaos, there are pockets of your day that you do have some say over, and recognizing them can be really grounding.
Your attitude. You cannot control every circumstance that comes your way in postpartum, but you can choose how you approach it. This does not mean forcing yourself to be positive when you are exhausted and overwhelmed. It simply means noticing that you have some say in how you meet each moment, even the really hard ones.
Staying hydrated. This sounds so small, but it matters more than people realize, especially if you are breastfeeding. Keeping a water bottle nearby and sipping water throughout the day is one small thing you can do for your body that is entirely within your reach.
Your level of effort. Some days you will have more capacity than others, and that is completely normal. But how much effort you put into the things that matter to you, whether that is bonding with your baby, reaching out to a friend, or taking five minutes for yourself, is something you get to decide.
What you consume. This includes food, but it also includes the media you take in, the social media accounts you follow, and the conversations you allow into your life. Being intentional about what you let into your mind and body can make a real difference in how you feel.
Feeling your feelings. You cannot control the emotions that come up in postpartum, but you can control whether you allow yourself to actually feel them instead of pushing them down. Letting yourself experience sadness, joy, frustration, or love without judgment is a form of self-love and self-compassion.
How well you treat others. Even on hard days, you have some choice in how you show up for your partner, your family, and the people around you. This is not about being perfect. It is about noticing where you have agency.
How well you treat yourself. The inner voice you use with yourself matters. Speaking to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend is something within your control, even if it takes lots and lots of practice.
Gentle movement in your day. You do not need to commit to a full workout routine. A short walk outside, some light stretching, or simply moving your body in a way that feels good to you can support both your physical and emotional recovery.
What you choose to let go of in life. Postpartum is a season to reevaluate. What commitments, expectations, or relationships are no longer serving you right now? You have more say in this than you might think.
What Falls Outside of Your Control During Postpartum
Now let’s talk about the other side of this. There are so many parts of postpartum that are simply outside of your control, no matter how hard you try to manage them. Naming these out loud can actually bring relief, because it gives you permission to stop fighting against things that were never yours to control in the first place.
The past and how the future unfolds. You cannot go back and change your birth experience, and you cannot predict exactly how the coming months will go. Both of these can be hard to sit with, but accepting them as they are can ease some of the mental load.
How someone feels about you. Whether that is your partner, your in-laws, or a friend, you cannot control another person’s feelings toward you. You can only control how you show up.
Your feelings and emotions. This might feel surprising to see on this list, but the emotions that arise, whether that is fear, sadness, joy, or anger, often come up on their own. What you do with them is within your control, but their initial arrival often is not.
How someone treats you. You can set boundaries and communicate your needs, but ultimately you cannot force another person to treat you the way you wish they would.
Someone else’s attitude. Just as your attitude is your own to shape, other people’s attitudes belong to them.
Experiencing an injury. Whether that is related to childbirth recovery or else something entirely unexpected, injuries happen, and they are rarely something you can prevent.
Time passing. The days will move forward whether you feel ready for them or not, and there is a strange comfort in accepting that.
The weather. A small thing, but on the days when you wanted to get outside and it rains instead, remembering that the weather was never yours to control can help soften the disappointment.
Getting sick. Illness can show up at the most inconvenient times, especially in postpartum when your immune system may already be taxed.
Sleep. Perhaps one of the hardest things to accept in postpartum is that your sleep is largely dictated by your baby, not by you. This one alone can bring up so much frustration, and understanding that it is outside of your control can be a small but meaningful shift in perspective.
Self-Care for When Life Feels Out of Control
When you find yourself in a season where so much feels outside of your hands, having a few grounding practices to return to can make a real difference. Here are some gentle ways to care for yourself when postpartum life feels overwhelming.
- Meditate, even if it is only for a few quiet minutes
- Let yourself cry when the tears come
- Journal about what you are experiencing
- Let yourself grieve the parts of life or identity that have shifted
- Sleep when you can, even if it means letting other things go
- Focus on being mindful in small moments throughout your day
- Try gentle movement and stretching to reconnect with your body
- Listen to your favorite music and songs
- Go outside and be in the present moment
- Find a great perinatal therapist to work with
- Read a great book or listen to an audiobook
These are not meant to fix everything. They are simply small anchors you can return to on the days that feel especially heavy.
Finding Peace in What You Can and Cannot Control
Postpartum asks so much of you, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Some of what it asks is within your power to shape, and so much of it simply is not. Learning to tell the difference is not about giving up or feeling powerless. It is about redirecting your energy toward the places where it can actually do some good, and releasing your grip on the things that were never yours to hold in the first place.
Like the Rumi quote reminds us, there is a kind of wisdom that comes with turning inward instead of trying to control everything around you. That shift does not happen overnight, and it is not something you have to figure out alone.
If you are finding it hard to navigate this season, please reach out to your doctor, midwife, or a licensed perinatal mental health therapist for support. You do not have to sort through this on your own, and having someone in your corner can make all the difference as you find your footing in this new chapter of motherhood.
