Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache, and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
-Joan Lunden
I’m currently taking a great course by one of my favorite authors, Rachel Macy Stafford called Soul Shift (also the title of her newest book- an amazing book that I’d highly recommend checking out, along with her course too!). She talked a lot this week about how we can be loving encouragers to ourselves and others.
Don’t you just love that phrase… loving encouragers? And at the same time, it can be hard to simply become a loving encourager when you’re struggling with judgment, criticism, anger, grief, etc. (which can be both internal and external pressures in our lives). I’m going to dive deeper into anger in this week’s blog, and discuss some of the ways that it can keep us from getting where we’re trying to go in life… in my case becoming more of a loving encourager both internally and externally!
Anger is often thought of as a secondary emotion, meaning that underneath anger we often find a myriad of other emotions such as:
- Fear
- Loneliness
- Grief
- Betrayal
- Shame
- Overwhelm
- Disappointment
- Stress
- Guilt
- Pain
- Frustration
- Hurt
- Regret
- Sadness
- Agitation
- Irritability
What other feelings would you add here that often show up underneath anger that you or someone in your life may be experiencing?
When do we get angry and take it out on the people in our lives, such as a family member, coworker, friend, etc. there’s often a lot of guilt and shame surrounding these types of outbursts after they occur (remorse anyone?). So, what can you do? Repair! Here a basic, step-by-step guide on how to repair with someone you’ve hurt emotionally:
- Acknowledge what happened and name it
- Describe what you’ll do differently next time
- Apologize and say you’re sorry
- Explain why your anger got triggered (if it’s helpful to the other person), and let them know that you’re working on noticing these triggers sooner to keep yourself from escalating in the future
Anything else you’d add here? Have you tried repairing with loved ones after an argument? Has it helped you reconnect with them emotionally?
Also, don’t forget that the road to healing isn’t linear (unfortunately!) and there will be progress and setbacks along the way as you learn, grow and mature as a person!
So, back to the original point, how can you become more of a loving encourager towards yourself and others? What needs to change or happen in your life to make this a reality, day in and day out? If you’re currently struggling with being more loving and kind towards yourself and others, know that you’re not alone. This isn’t something that happens overnight, it’s a lifelong learning process, one that often includes working through difficult emotions like anger. I’m sending lots of compassion and support your way as you become more of a loving encourager towards your partner, kids, friends, coworkers, extended family members… and most importantly yourself!
