The difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention.
-Sharon Salzberg
How’s your thinking these days? Are you able to create some distance between you and your thoughts? Meaning, can you watch your thoughts float and look at them from a place of interest and curiosity, without attaching meaning to these thoughts (which may then increase your distress level)? This is often a hard concept to grasp and put into practice, but once you do, it can feel life changing in a lot of ways.
In this blog, I’ll be tackling the topic of thinking patterns in everyday life including: polarizing and black and white thinking patterns. looking out for the “should” and “shouldn’ts”, and ending with looking out for the “buts” in conversations.
Extreme thinking patterns can be particularly hard to deal with in life. They can be very polarizing because they often involve black and white thinking such as, “I must have a spotless house, otherwise I’m a bad mom” or “I must cook a homemade dinner every night, otherwise I’m a bad wife.” These types of statements can hit at a very deep level, and often bring in feelings of guilt and shame.
Some words to watch out for with black and white thinking:
- Always
- Never
- Must
- Perfect
- Good versus bad
- Positive versus negative
Instead try to use softer, less polarizing words:
- Sometimes
- Maybe
- Might
- Fine (instead of perfect)
- Good enough
- Alright
What else would you add here?
Another thinking pattern to keep a lookout for includes the word “should.” “Shoulds” are often the result of external pressures that can cause you to feel like you must do a certain thing or be a certain way, otherwise you’ll be judged harshly by others. You can start to soften this form of thinking by quieting down the external noise and honing in on how you truly feel internally. Ask yourself these reflection questions:
- What’s my deeper truth here?
- If I were to fully trust myself, what would I do in this situation?
Is this relatable for you?
A final thinking pattern to look for is the “buts,” and phrases like, “I love you, but I hate when you… (Fill in the blank here)” Often, what comes before the “but” is null because what comes after it is the new focus. So, the first part ends up being discounted by the listener. A great way to soften this language is to use “and” instead of “but.” A new phrase would sound something like, “ I love you and find your behavior frustrating at times.” This new language frees up space to be able to feel two opposing things (or more!) at the same time. Plus, this can open up conversations instead of leaving people on the defensive.
What else would you add?
If you’re struggling with negative thinking patterns, know that you’re not alone. If you could use more help and support in your life today, please reach out to your doctor or a therapist in your area. Know that I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love and compassion your way!
