Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers — strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.
—Barbara Katz Rothman
I’ve personally given birth to two kids, both vastly different birth experiences. Although both thankfully resulted in healthy babies, my first was a traumatic birth with a provider I had never met before (because my doctor was out-of-town on vacation). My second was a planned induction ten days before my due date because of an umbilical cord issue (that we found out about during the anatomy scan), all of which came with so much heightened anxiety. Both of these experiences lead to postpartum anxiety and a lot of grief that needed to be processed.
We so often don’t create time and space to grieve in our lives, especially in experiences where society says we shouldn’t have anything to grieve. How often are we told that because we have healthy babies, there isn’t anything else to discuss. As a therapist, I think it’s important to remember in many situations, two things can be true at once; the concept that both can be true. Returning to the birth of your baby, you can be so happy to have a healthy baby, and also be grieving your birth experience at the same time.
Here are some things you may be grieving from your birth experience:
- Not having your doctor or midwife of choice deliver your baby
- Needing a C-section when you planned on delivering naturally
- Having an unexpected medical issue arise
- Having to be knocked out with medication because your distress level was too high during delivery
- Not feeling heard by your doctor, midwife or other staff members
- Not having your needs taken into consideration
- Not feeling cared for by the doctor, midwife or other staff
- Not delivering in your chosen location- the hospital, a birthing center, at home
- Having a traumatic delivery
- Having a baby that needed to stay in the NICU
- Delivering your baby earlier or later than your due date
- Having heightened anxiety about the birth itself, pain, needle phobia, etc.
- Not having the birth you planned for, be it natural, with an epidural, or a scheduled C-section
- Wishing you had chosen a different doctor or midwife
- Wishing you had used a doula and/or hired a birth photographer, or had used someone else entirely for these services, if at all
- Wishing you had had more of a support system with you at the hospital, or had more/less hospital visitors
- Added stress around the time of year of the delivery- was it hard to get to the hospital/birthing center because of the weather?
- Your partner not showing up emotionally the way you thought they would
- Older children not responding to the new baby in an easy way
Take some time and think about what are you grieving from your own birth experience. Is there anything you experienced that I forgot to add to this list?
Birth often brings up a myriad of feels for all of us. Know that this is normal, and you’re not alone in feeling all of these feelings. Also remember that if you’re struggling right now, there are a lot of specialists in the therapy and medical worlds who can help you feel better and back to yourself soon. I’m sending lots of love and support your way as you create time and space in your life to grieve parts of your birth experience.
